...Heavy Hearted...

Lord...it's enough... ...Let there be Peace !!!!

today's blog will be very lengthy, i have lots of things in mind which i want to say :( seriously i duno where should i start coz it is something which had accumulated over the past 30 over years.

it's about relationships...human relationships...kinship...i have a complete family, very complete...it should be alot more fortunate than many people BUT...i don't feel happy about this so call complete & whole family at all. Of course, I thank God for blessing me with a complete family though...

Why am I not happy then??? I do love my family, i really do...i love my siblings, i love my mom, i love my dad (to a certain extent perhaps). It should be a very happy family...but too bad it isn't. All because of......my supposedly good father. Don't get the wrong idea...he's definitely a VERY responsibLe, capable & good father. Just that his arrogance & selfishness are equally "good" or "better" + he's hyper-sensitive, super petty & overly suspicious. I do not know what has driven him to become what he is but through the years didn't he realized that whatever he is had driven away those around/ near him??? Strange...but that's him...full of himself & he thinks that he is always right but others are usually wrong. Also strange enough Nobody & i mean really NO ONE has ever given him a good dressing down or "Wake Up" call...not even his parents (my grandparents), dun talk about his siblings. In his eyes, nobody is good enough to "lecture" him, Only he's capable of lecturing others & every one else is second class...what a snob.

Growing up in an extremely strict & tensed environment which I can still remember quite clearly. Frankly, it's really not much of my concern how he's (my dad) brought up...in what kind of environment & what had he actually gone through that mould him into such a person. These are all excuses, when things go wrong...you make it right or make the best out of it...but you don't insist you are right or demand that your way is for sure the best & right way. Why did I say that? Because my dad is always very fond of telling us things like..."i've gone through much more than you people...you all just don't understand...just follow what i say & you won't go wrong...simple instructions cannot follow...etc" The thing is he doesn't know how to tell you nicely or explain himself, he used to scream & yell at the top of his voice to get things done & message across. To me, this is simply very rude. As kids, we just tremble in fear & do as demanded...yes, fear...i grew up in fear of him. Now come to think of it, why do I have to fear? I did not commit any deadly crime...isn't it amusing?


Well, as a kid or rather baby then toddler till 9 or 10 year old i didn't get to see my parents very often. Probably once a week or something. I grew up with nanny & maternal grandparents which explains why I'm much closer to them anytime than my own parents. You think children don't remember what happened when they are small? The fact is children has the best memories :)

It is hard to believe that at my age (am 35 this year), my dad still wants to be in control of my life. I hate it...really I do. Most part of my life has been controlled by him...when you are young, you basically do not have a choice but when you are old enough to know what's right & wrong, black & white & the path/ way you wanna go...PLEASE for God's sake, let go. I'm married with 3 kids...we have our own life. Just let us live our own life...

He blames my mom when we don't visit often enough, he screamed & yelled at her for whatever or whoever doesn't do what he wants...it's never her fault for anything that's gone wrong, for Christ's sake. It is his own doings that gradually led to things now. Who to blame? Himself of coz...I'm really really frustrated with his nonsensical & unreasonable behaviour. I don't know how long more must I tolerate or can I tolerate all these rubbish...One of the 10 commandments: Honor Thy Mother & Thy Father...yes, of course I honor & respect him but doesn't mean I agree with EVERYTHING he says, does or thinks that it's right in his context. The bible teaches us to Honor thy parents but it doesn't say You MUST follow & Agree with EVERYTHING they say (especially if it's not right). It just taught us, if you cannot agree...just back off (no need to make have direct conflict like argument & quarrels...) which is partly Why...all these years, I've been keeping quiet & just accomodate whatever I can (also partly for mom's sake). However, he's getting worse over the years.

I'm not here to criticize him but I just need to say it ALL OUT...of course I don't deny he's a very responsible man. He takes good care of the family, he brings home the dough, he makes sure everyone of us is well fed, live comfortably & so on...& i fully understand everything is out of Good intention(s) BUT it's Totally WRONG APPROACH...Respect is to be earned & not demanded...hellloooo!!!! & by the way, you respect your elders, you do not choose who you wanna respect...am I right to say that? & you don't just respect your own parents, grandparents...you jolly well have respect for other people's parents & grandparents let alone my parents-in-law(s).

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